Tuesday, 20 December 2011

• The misfortunes of John and Jane

  The alarm was ringing loudly, but John was fast asleep.

  According to my students, poor John (Week 4) was consequently caught in three fires, took a shot to the head, jumped from the ninth floor (involuntary suicide), got hit in a car accident, and was oblivious to his house being robbed because he had fallen asleep in his soundproof home theatre. He was also late for his own wedding twice, one of those times probably missing it altogether because he woke up in a strange hotel with a hooker. Fortunately for John, two of the above incidents happened only because he was dreaming. He still managed to make it to his guitar performance, there was no school after all because it was Sunday, and the moral of the story is that we must always listen to our mother.

  The kids weren't any kinder to Jane (Week 12):

  Jane politely declined the gentleman's request for the next dance, or, Jane rolled down the hill and twisted her ankle.

  Jane declined to dance because she could only think about her under-appreciated ex-boyfriend, because she had a broken leg, because she had an illness for which she had been undergoing treatment for three years, and because she was waiting for her crush to show up at prom, only to find him taking the stage dedicating a love song to her classmate instead.

  Jane was so distraught that she (presumably) rolled down the hill, twisted her ankle, and had her decayed and decomposed body found twice: once because she was raped and murdered by a serial rapist (36th victim!), and once because she died of hyperthermia under a huge tree. She couldn't contact her boyfriend with her mobile phone because there was no signal, was tricked by a charming junior doctor with his fake plastic telephone and his "own practice down in the basement," dreamed she fell down a big hole into Wonderland with giant sunflowers and a pink sky, and toppled off her bicycle because she was only nine years of age. On top of all that, it sucked so bad to miss out on Christmas shopping.

   

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